Semi annual Emotional Post. yayyy.

i started writing a book when i was 8 years old. its called, "wait for me." kinda sad, with definite hints of pathetic. it told a story of a little girl who got left all the time. she fantasized about her siblings freezing their age and waiting for her to grow up. ive accepted the fact that my siblings will never freeze the hands on their biological clocks and wait for me to be their age. ive accepted that my book will never get published because im pretty sure i spelled "wait" wrong. ive even accepted that my family leaves and so will i eventually. i just dont understand why everyone else has to go.

it seems as though my girl friends, guy friends and crushes all are dropping like flies. its been that way for awhile. my closest friends growing up hardly ever talk to me anymore; friends that were so important i thought id never live without them. now they just picked up and left. people are going on missions and to college and it doesnt help that Valley Oaks is cursed and no one stays there for more than one year. (with me as the only exception, its totally true)

i have two biggest fears in life: getting paralyzed, and change. (the second seems more relevant, i suppose)
yeah so what if i am scared of change? change sucks. im afraid of what will happen if devan moves. im afraid that i wont be able to replace the friends i made at valley oaks this year. im afraid of the changes that are inevitably waiting for me at the end of the summer.
my best friend is moving now too. so this whole topic is really reallllllyyy starting to get sensitive. can everyone just stay in my life? why do you all have to leave? i get that we learn lessons from eachother and new people are coming into our lives all the time and old ones have to go eventually bla bla bla just keep your chin up. but can i just be a little bit unoptimistic for a second? can i just not look at my "life long perspective"? can i just stomp my foot and say that this really isnt fair? screw this, man.