Gather 'round, children.

i have not had story time on this blog in many moons so here we go: (best if read like a random unfunny teacher or something relating a "had-to-be-there" moment, hoping to communicate it hilariousity but probably failing)

 one day in a class called "history of american popular music" at B.C, a young blonde white girl walked into class and sat in the front row. also it that row, and most other places in the room, sat a large gangster looking black guy who looked like he just stepped out of a really scary 90's rap video. this particular day, the young girl's eye decided that it wanted to twitch..a lot. annoyed with the uncooth way in which her eye was behaving, she tried to alleviate the embarassment by moving her head a lot so no one would notice. this method proved wrong in many ways.... three things happened almost simultaneously: she turned her head to the right, her eyes locked with Mr. Gangster man ...and her eye twitched. now for those of you familar with eye twitching know that it usually resembles winking. actually it ALWAYS resembles winking. and this case was no exception.

Mr. gangster decided that she had winked at him, and needless to say he was freaked out.

but then he looked closer.....

and every day since, she sees him looking back at her.....

and thats how i (yes, young white chick was me) make friends/ creepy admirers in college.

updates and things.

whaddup blog stalkers?

i say this because in the last two months over 1000 more people have viewed my blog and not one of you have commented either to my face or via comment section.

its cool, internet shyness is not to be messed with.

so going on the assumption that no one really cares whats going on in my life, here's some random shiz about stuff going on in my life!

first update: im in college!! its a good feeling. but the newness is starting to wear off and the work load is starting to wear on. sooooo, im kind of over it.

next update: my summer was full of so many things. boys. adventure. but most of all? goodbyes. ive had way too many goodbyes for my wee little soul to handle. one was for two years, others were probably forever. which brings me to my next update.

next update: BOYS SUCK!!!!! i am seriously done with their lack of romanticism and their overall ickiness. please, male species, show yourself to the metaphorical door.

final update: im doing a lot better than i was. but i guess you guys wouldnt know how i "was" doing....*whispers* i wasnt doing very good. but i am now! sorta...

no more updates..

now for the "things"!

just kidding.

READ ME. THIS IS AWESOME.

originally i came on my blog because i am having writers block on my 10 page research paper due in 2 days. So the logical remedy for me is nonsensical writing about things in my life. it loosens the creative juices, apparently.

my topic was going to be on grammatical errors of the general public and how much not only they themselves piss me off, but how people who obsessviely correct them piss me off, too. but then something sort of awesome happened. (i say sort of awesome because im not entirely sure if this information is truly as cool as im about to make it sound)

so as i was logging into my account, i noticed the format had changed. not surprising because my last post was in january and thus i am out of the blogspot loop. those of you who know me or think you know me, might already be aware of the fact that i am not....how you say.. good..?...at change. so i was not very thrilled about the whole thing. but of course, like facebook and other conforming social sites, you have absolutely no choice in the layout of the program.

ANYWAYS, this post pretty much all boils down to what happened next. so, like, stop skimming and actually pay attention now.

the new layout features a section entitled, "stats." ...well i think its called that. seems legit. anyways...
"Stats" is all about the history of your blog and views and followers and posts and all the usual stuff. but now, i can see how many people have viewed my blog in the last days, weeks, months, and years its been alive.  guys.. guess how many total views my blog has gotten????

1,591! needless to say my mind was and still is pretty much blown. and i also feel special. :)
now i am kind of in love with that number. so i did some research....

1,591 is the U.s. code prohibbiting Sex trafficing of children. (score!)
1-591 is part of the area code for Bolivia
1591 is the number of weeks old you are if you are approximately 30.5 years old.
1591 is the number of times the word "the" was said in the movie Benjamin Button.

also, there is a section of stats that has a world map and it shows the places that my blog has been read. Welllllllll guess what?!! i have fans in Alaska! :) so.. Alaskans, by all means, message or comment. send me some snow or some sled dogs or something. that'd be awesome.

Wishes. Superstitions. Wizardry. Self Inflicted Trauma.

Sometimes, life gets significantly boring and we have to use things like superstitions to entertain ourselves. Im going to let you guys in on the creamy caramel center to my life as a human suffering from superstition.

we all know the phrase "step on the crack and your break your daddy's back" can i just say that people really should keep torturous sayings from the lives of the young population. lets just say this hit home with me in like 1st grade. i really didnt want my fathers back to break just because i stepped on a little tiny crack. he was our provider and i would never be able to live with myself.

thats where it alllll started.

then i discovered wishes at certain times. my time has been and always will be 3:33. but heres the thing. you cant just have one tiny little requirement. or ficticious wish genie creature will think that you really dont want your wish. so you must prove yourself to him. my logic has been that if you follow enough made up rules, eventually you'll get what you want out of life.

wish - rule # 1 so anyways, i decided that if 3:33 was in fact the chosen time for magic, 3:34 should not be invited. therefore, my first wish-rule is that you can NOT see the time change. Of course this doesnt sound hard, right? you might be thinking, "Jenna. JUST DONT LOOK." but no. for me, its like a car accident or a rumors of a really large spider occupying your wall...you wanna look, but you dont wanna look! and no matter how much i fight it, sometimes my greasy little eyes wander just in time to see 3:34 come to pass. and all wishes are off.

wish rule # 2  then i thought to myself one day that all clocks arent always in perfect synchronization. there could be one clock that says 3:32 and the one on your phone could say 3:35 and the one in the kitchen could say 3:33. so if you miss the desired time, can you go visit another clock?? the answer is yes. because if wish genie does not allow people some slack, hes like an evil genie. and thats just too close to the devil. so yes, but only once. if you miss it again all wishes are once again OFF.

wish rule # 3 the final wish-rule (yes THREE wish-rules for 3:33 seemed appropriate) is that you may not, under ANY circumstances, WHATSOEVER tell another soul what your wish was before it has come true. if i was wish-genie, that would piss me right off. you can't write it, or whisper it, or make it an answer to a impromptu game of charades. if you do, all wishes are MURDERED.

these are just the wish rules for time-wishes.... birthday, wishbones and dandelion wishes? Completely different stories. if you want to know my rules so that perhaps your wishes will finally come true. just ask. :)

arent you glad you visited my blog today? :)

An Important Truth About Life.

my mom is a great mom.

she has a mom butt and a mom haircut and mom jeans.

she has the voice that wakes you up from 60 ft away after you've slept through your blaring alarm clock.

but ive found a flaw in her motherhood. yes underneath that sweet smile and gap outlet clothing lies something twisted.

 and i wouldnt be publicly exposing her if she didnt laugh at me when i told her the news.

when i was a child my mother, like most loving maternal figures throughout history, would cut up my food so as to enhance my eating capabilities. I was totally fine with it and to this day, her squared toast is the most hauntingly beautiful thing ive ever seen. BUT this overprotective habitual routine did not come cheap.

Out of quote "laziness" on her part, she did not like to peel oranges. therefore whenever we had oranges they would be...wedged. (apparently lunch ladies are lazy too ) As a kid i was chubby and plump but i enjoyed my food rather neat. the juice from the wedges would get all over my hands and eventually i grew to despise oranges and everything they stood for.

flashforward to December 28, 2011. A kind mormon soul has just dropped off a bag of petite citrus looking things, as we mormons often do. i sit on the couch with my favorite nephew in my lap and watch in wonder and awe as my dad sticks his thumb in and peels one of the small orangey balls. then, he ate them one by one in little bite sized sacks of fruit. no mess. no grief. i assumed this was some kind of freak mutant breed of citrus...by the end of the day, my nephew and i ate 7 mutant orangey things.

a few days later, i go out to our second fridge, as we mormons often have, and what do i find but a box of huge oranges. i knew what oranges looked like so there was no mistaking that these were not in fact the mutant citrus i had eaten earlier that week. but i had a pressing feeling that i should peel this monstrosity and see what came to be.

guys, oranges come in small little bite sized sacks of fruit, too! no mess. no sticky juice. no tears.
i felt this overwhelming medley of emotions: betrayal, absolute stupidity and ridiculous excitement. oranges are actually really good! and ive missed out on at least 10 years of loving them....

the confrontation included the following quotes:
( real quotes from the jenna to mom conversation about oranges)
" this is your fault.." --me
" umm what? you didnt know that?!!! hahhaha!" --mom
"kay but seriously... really??"--mom
"this isnt funny, mom. you dont understand. they are REALLY GOOD."---me
"wait... :O do limes and lemons and grapefruit do that too?!?!?!?!" --me
" ....... yes, jenna." --mom
" i cant believe you."--me

anything other life changing things i should know about?? :(

drop it to the floor.

helllllllllloooo everyone. hope your christmas break was off the chain. cause mine was. heres the randomness that is floating around my head today. i think blogs were created for bored people to talk to themselves and avoid the inevitable lameness of their day. so. here goes.

itunes would be 574839578978 x's better if the ten dollar giftcards didnt only come in packages of three.
c'mon itunes. who does that?
i have a eating disorder. its called, "I'll eat it anyway" disease. it means even if something is gross, ill most likely keep eating it. and that it why ive had 4 pieces of stale fudge today. someone, help me.
my posture is comprable to a hunchback that lives in a cave 4 feet shorter than him.
i miss my friends.
my room. is really. REALLY. messy.... :( and ill probably end up cleaning it.... tomorrow. mayyyybe.\
wanna hear a blonde joke? k cool. how do you make a brunette cry? turn her blonde.
i have to say goodbye to jake today. wouldnt it be nice if you could literally RUN from your problems? like if i ran just fast or hard enough, my issues would be left in the dust. if i had one wish... well i'd probably wish for something pertaining to peanut butter or money but if i had TWO wishes, one of them would be that my problems could be tangible. so i could run from them, punch them, burry them, etc.  how could would it be to punch a zit or a bad grade in the face and have it go away?!

k i gotta go. my mom wants to make me clean things. :(

.... hehe i just realized my mom is tangible!!!!.... ;) hahaha

remedies: a story about taking things into my own hands.

soooo for those of you who dont know, today i woke up really concerned about my well-being. why? ohhh just cause i was so sick that i was basically choking on my own tongue. which...is not very attractive. but.. you know how i get with sickness, everyone...

...reallly dramatic. but today...today was different.

i went through the normal stages of jenna sickness: shock upon awakening. followed by dismay. then came denial. then severe depression and anger. finally hopelessness and thoughts of death. but today i experienced a new stage. and i call it, "taking matters into my own hands."
so i decided that sickness was not gonna get the best of me. life is already not fair. why should we have to get sick whenever sickness just randomly feels like inflicting itself?

so i started out by taking a bunch of cold medicine and pain killers. which is what everyone does anyway.  but it wasnt working and i grew suuuuuper impatient.  i googled "home remedies for throte sickness" (and no, im not proud of the way i spelled "throat") and i came up with some things. and i tried ALL OF THEM.

so i grabbed my honey and lemons and all the other nasty things google told me to get and i set out for success. i felt super ridiciously awesome. like this:

but i was more along the lines of this:

here is what happened...

-a sickening concotion of ginger and water. (i didnt have ginger so i used cinammon cause it seemed like a good idea at the time.)
-another slightly less disgusting mix of lemon juice, honey and hot water.
- hot apple cider (totally not gross at all.)   :)
-boil water and stick your head by the steam.
-massage your throat. (awkward.)
-eat a lot of honey.
-drink a lot of water.
-put hot things by your neck.... i dont even know.

by the end of the stage i was going slightly out of my mind. there was honey everywhere and the steam from the boiling water idea made my face sweaty and my hair frizz. imagine my mothers concern when she found this:



but there is good news. kind of. because im kind of feeling better. a little. and i think everyone will be ok. hopefully.

im still sick though. in case you were wondering.