The day being mormon almost cost me my life: feel free to be intrigued.

today, i woke up to something beautiful... 9:30. i was just so stinking content that life let me sleep that long. i then stayed in bed for at least 10 minutes with my ipod on and my window open casting brilliant shades of light into my room. needless to say, my morning was going awesome.

upon deciding that i should probably do something mildly productive, i noticed a strange sound coming from downstairs. i discarded my concern and was still adamant about continuing my spectacular mood.

my morning routine came regularly: dance a bit, ponder the events of the day before (or in this case night) , brush teeth, straighten up room and so on.

stay with me now. here it comes.

walking downstairs in not a easy feat for someone as tired and simple minded as me. but i managed. then... the previous concern arousing noise got louder and my concern flag had officially been raised.

concernification one) noise.

concernification two) my mother was in the kitchen, fully dressed for the day, with...makeup on!

concernification three) she was wearing...an APRON. D:

ok now, mormon mothers are known for their inability to decifer logical ideas from pointless time consuming pain-in-the-tush ideas.
i noticed that a large vat or couldron of some sort was on the stove. it was shaking violently like the devil himself was about to burst out at any given time (source of previously mentioned noise) and there were a variety of cans scattered about. i do not know why i didnt recognize the danger, grab my 72hour kit, and run...but i did not. unfortunately i fell potential victim to mormon momism.

i had to ask... right? thats what you do when your concerned. you ask. ":mooommm...what in the heck..is going on?"

"im pressure canning meat!!!"

"are you cereal??"

"not entirely sure how to answer that, dear daughter... but yeah and the best part is...we can blow up any second cause this is extremely dangerous in a variety of ways!"

mommmyyy dearest that is the last thing i wanted to hear. because, as you all know.. my ficticious add ons can get pretty powerful. i wont recall them because they are a little graphic but basically in a matter of minutes i imagined me slowly and painfully dying in like 12 different scenarios. i made a foolproof game plan. i would stay in my room, wait for the inferno, and jump out my window carrying my valuables.

but no. because another part of being a mormon mom is making your children clean everything ever. so i was trapped...in the kitchen...inches away from couldron o' death...

time passed. not sure how long ofcourse due to the fact that i was pondering life and death while doing dishes about to explode. but it did. and soon it was time to see what my mother had conocted.

she turned off killer vat only to reveal like 5 cans of greasy, unappetizing, yellowy chicken. ok really? my eyes shifted out the window to our chicken coop in the backyard. shivers went down my disturbed little spine. my mother..sweet, sweet mother exclaimed "COOL!!!" and went off about how revolutionary and tear-jerkingly beautiful it is to put raw chicken in a can, then into death pot, and 45 minutes later have pot pie ready chicken. apparently our lives and the lives of our neighbors within a 2 mile radius are worth the deliciousity and conveniency of pressure canned meat.

that was 5 hours ago. shes. still. going.... my house?? anihilated....

with the smell of chicken. 

my life will be delicately hanging by a thread until my mom has sufficiently stocked our house with cans of meat. and for nothing. because there is..no freaking way...im eating that chicken.

the end.