Updates.

Theres not much to report in life.

HA JUST KIDDING!

(best if read as a song…with a braggy and slightly obnoxious tone.)

Im gonna be a misssssionary, Im getting a naaaaaametag, im going to MEEEEEEsa, they're gonna lovvvvvvve me!!!

Ive already bought like my entire 18 month wardrobe and you're trippin if you think im gonna stop there. shopping is actually A LOT funner and easier than I originally planned on it being.  (thank you, Utah)

And the best most amazing most beautiful part of the WHOLE THING is that im preparing myself to have absolutely matter outside of  the gospel of Jesus Christ. Boys, music, boys, school, boys, movies, boys, work…none of it shall matter and it shall be well with me.

And you know that’s come a lot easier too. Actually. Its welcomed. Whole-heartedly.  Some would go as far as to say its freedom. *shrugs* who knows?  Maybe some could call it a feeling of indifference toward everything unpleasant that has happened ever.  Probably me. Yes, I would call it that.

Im not saying that serving a mission is a way to forget all the bad stuff in your life and have an excuse to have none of it matter... Im just saying those feelings are a welcome side affect.

And im not saying that I don't give 2 craps about all the stuff and people I cared too much about 2 weeks ago…im just saying… im pretty dang close to never looking back ever again. Which is an uncharacteristically special thing. 

In all seriousness though, I have never been more excited about anything in my life. I've NEVER felt so right about a decision, and I've never been this close to the daily comfort of the spirit. It is incredible. And I know that its going to get so much harder when im in the field, I know that. I know this experience won't be all rainbows and sunshine. But even if it changes just ONE life (other than mine)  then it'll be 100% worth it.

Even if when I come back everything has changed and all my worst fears come true….For example: My best friends are gone and moved away from provo.  Smoot, one of my best friends/dream guys, comes back from his mission and gets married to someone that’s not me.  MY BROTHER GETS MARRIED AND IM NOT THERE AND HIS PHOTOGRPAHER SUCKS. My favorite boots go out of style… even if all of that happens, I KNOW this is what Im supposed to be doing.  And if Smoot taught me anything its that God has a plan for all of us. And he will guide us down the path he has paved for us.

So theres my rant people. This girl is gonna be a missionary in Arizona in 90 days. 

Write me.

Send me cookies…

No, sunscreen. Send me sunscreen.

Bored Work Chronicles.

the great Gatsby is a dumb movie. Jay-Z didn't exist in the 20's. sorry.
the new flavor of monster, Ultra Red, is really good. I can literally feel my kidneys rejecting me. but I don't care. because its delicious.
the lost and found at a gas station is the most entertaining and worrisome thing in the world. several humans are driving around with dangerously exposed fuel tanks and bank accounts.
i probably shouldn't have access to free soda and candy. but on the bright side im pretty sure i invented the awesomest new drink flavors known to man. i invite you all to be on the lookout for "Dirty Dr. Lime-Nut Zero." it will be a thing.
this is the first time in my life im missing the pear trees in my backyard change colors. withdrawals.
the radio at work is stuck on an oldies station and everyday they play the same 13 songs. because only 13 songs stood the test of time, apparently.
so i know there are sacred things in the temple that people really aren't supposed to talk about...apparently the breakfast in the cafeteria is one of those things.. but i motion for that to be broadcasted far and wide. it is magical.
i asked my mom to send me any random food lying around the house, and the things she sent me made me homesick because i knew the exact location of every item. but also excited cause i got some of those super sweet fake Mormon potato pearl things and my roommates accept me now.
my sister is officially with son and i couldn't be more excited! literally. i have never been more happy for anything in my life, and that makes me feel terrible because there are 12 other children to whom i am an aunt and i wasn't nearly this excited for any of them to exist.
there's this part of a sidewalk down on like 400 north and it says "each day i miss you more" and it makes me sad everytime i see it and also i want desperately to know the story behind it. like when we die and all the sudden know the secrets to life, the mystery of Amelia Earhart, what Ultra Violet light looks like, and that piece of sidewalk's story are the things im looking forward to most.
when my phone was broken i used it as a pager, cause i could still hear when people called and texted i just couldn't do anything about it, and ive concluded that pagers must've really sucked.
alrighty. that is all.

Vicodin adventures

kidneys are like planets. you can't really see them, but you know that in order to keep life and certain systems in balance and what not, theyre necessary. The only reason anyone ever notices kidneys is when something is wrong with them. I guess all that ignoring really pissed mine off.

 the last few nights have been horrible blurs of agonizing pain, no sleep and late night shows to keep my mind off hurting. my mother, for the second time in a row, discovered me at 4 in the morning writhing in pain. the glorious woman decided to give me some medicine. but not just any medicine. Vicodin.

my experiences with this drug pretty much stemmed from the tv drama House, in which the main character becomes severely addicted to said substance. let me just say...I get it, bro.

it all started with a dull tingling sensation in my left hand. upon inspection I learned that it was perfectly normal looking and went on with slowly sinking into a pain induced delirious stupor. but as the next few minutes went by, this sensation inched its way through the entire left side of my body- dripping into every crevice until it felt like I was growing clouds and baby laughter inside me. this distraction was, at the time, the most hauntingly beautiful thing i had ever felt.

I decided to share my experience with my mother. immediately upon speaking I realized that I was in no condition to do so. I don't remember much of what I said save a few choice sentences.

"moooooommm. stuff is weird."
"I am so...aware..of my skin... mom...I can feel it.."
"my hand is gonna fly off"
though the left side was feeling wonderful and shiny, my right side raged on. i don't know if any of you out there have felt an internal organ throb. like pulsating, pounding. it is really weird. and with every pulse it shoots pain into all corners of the body. by this point i had made my way into a bed instead of the living room floor. i laid on my right side in a desperate attempt for the sweet honey cloud- growing stuff to make its way to the pain. and it did. in short waves of relief starting in my legs and reaching up into my stomach. and i remember the last thing i felt before sleeping for the first time in 2 days was the last area of pain being smothered. and finally, since the beginning of the month i was completely free of this pain.

so all in all. this stuff rocks.

hopefully i can kick the rest of this infection in the face. got an ultrasound today- which is really a mysterious woman in a dark room rubbing you with gel- so we'll see whats up. Utah might have to be pushed back a little. :( pray for me people.

***and p.s., if this is Bradley, I still love you.***

Employment Enjoyment.

I've been jobless for 2 hours and I already don't have anything better to do.

Those of you who don't know, I have been employed by a local diner for about a year now. The beginning days were enjoyable- serving the local senior citizens, getting free diet coke, and growing accustomed to my coworkers. I knew my personality fit there perfectly from day one. and i honestly could say that i loved my job.

But as every good thing, the enjoyment wore off. This is not the first time ive experienced this decline. I call it "the death of employment enjoyment"

The death of employment enjoyment

stage one: Spoiled.

Stage one occurs when you've gotten used to the pros of your job. Free drinks, reasonable hours, overall pretty nice people, whatever the case. you get almost spoiled in that you don't even really notice or appreciate the cool stuff anymore. like a kid who's new toy just doesn't provide the same level of entertainment. but its not like your job sucks and you clock out with an overall good attitude.

Stage two: Suck.  

This most often occurs  after the first bad day or frustrating event. Or maybe even after several consecutive sucky days. Anyways the point is the attitude shift.  For me, this was the stage in which my coworker(s) were the problem. working with middle aged, smoke infested, ex druggies baby mommas with nothing else to do but work.  I started to get so sick of their bossy attitudes, taking their sucky tips out on me, and even accusing me of stealing their oh-so- sucky tips! That is literally just the cliff note version of it. (at my other job, waitressing at a senior citizen facility, this stage was when my residents started dying... that'll definitely put a damper on the day) But, There are still tolerable characteristics about working there, and by now you know your way around the place so it'd be even more frustrating to leave. but you dread going, you watch the clock, and you zombie your way through the day.

Stage three:

this is me. right now. and for the last like 3 months. oh holy crap this is a miserable stage. The things that anger me about my job literally have kept me up at night. i come home angry and stressed. How i wish i could sell out a terrible horrible person for all the crazy mean hypocritical things they do. like successfully cutting my hours in half even though she has no authority over me, or getting the boss/owner to dislike me cause GUESS WHAT? theyre friends. every single day was a constant battle to think of ways to not punch people in the face. And whispering comebacks to her under my breath and rude gestures behind her back. but not to her face cause she'd tattle like a 50 yr old child.  and day dreaming about the last day, that you will finally leave with a bang. Make your mark. release the bottled emotion on your boss.

Shameful exit.

time ticks. Clock out. Tell your favorite customers goodbye. Fake a smile to the devil. and leave quietly. yeah things never work out the way your imaginary self plans them to. no revenge. no justice.

to say im disappointed in myself is only half true. Cause its not reaaalllly me to yell at someone or try to get them fired. even if they deserve it. but it is me to stand up for myself. even if im the only one who knows it...

so i stole some crackers.

HOO-RAH!

first ever non-sarcastic religious post. gettin older errrrday.

this counts as a followup to the dumb little teenage girl post i wrote about 2 years ago.

for you newcomers out there, it was about my lack of faith in fate. i think mostly i was just mad that Jake was moving and i didnt understand his logic. he kept saying that i didnt get it, that he was "supposed to go to Virginia" and i guess the more i thought about it back then, the more stupid it sounded to me.

FALSE.

it wasnt my lack of faith in fate, it was my lack of faith in God. dont get me wrong, i had faith but not enough to understand the concept of a "plan" or "destiny." its not about those things though at all. its about the love heavenly father has for us and his divine plan for our lives.

recent events make it painfully obvious to me that God DOES have a plan for me. not like i have any idea what it is, but he does guide and direct my life to specific places and people. and  i know that he is aware of me. even when he doesnt answer my prayers. i look at unanswered prayers as a message. kind of like a "hold on, i have something better." or "jenna. you need to learn patience."

God created me and he knows me so extremely well. Sometimes i think people overlook the term "Heavenly Father." when i think of that word, it ALWAYS brings me back to my earthly father. my daddy knows me, he helped create me, he raised and taught me, he knows how to make me laugh, he understands my personality and he loves me unconditionally. why would it be different with our  father in heaven? in fact, i think itd be intensified.

there have been times where i know that God knows how ridiculous i am. that sounds weird but...ok fine, story time:)
gather 'round
(best if read like your me, and if you know me really well, you know that when im telling a story it just pretty much sounds like im rambling)

as we all know i get crazy when im home alone. and one time i heard a noise which somehow i translated into someone breaking in, so i ran upstairs and locked myself in my parents closet. and i prayed really hard that i would be safe and that i would know what to do when the person came in. but i couldnt even finish the prayer because i just had this overwhelming feeling of peace and love come over me. and i had this extremely clear picture enter my head of a portrait i had seen of Jesus Christ laughing with a little girl on his lap. and i felt like heavenly father was telling me in his own way that i was being silly and everything was ok. and then i laughed about it and went on with my day unmurdered.

i dont know, just little things i think of occasionally. i am grateful for my relationship with my father in heaven. and i am grateful that he is looking out for me and continues to bless my life with people that he knows i need and opportunities for me to grow.

Aged to (im)perfection.

So i know that i usually wait months in between posts because thats the appropriate amount of time to let my mind-blowing thoughts sink in, but im just having so many thoughts lately that i have to write more. I think this is my way of getting things out in a calm, cool, and semi-collected fashion. also, i dont think ive had my emotional post for 2012 yet.

But yes, age.
Not like this is a sore subject with super deep emotional roots or anything like that.
HAHA.
it is. So buckle up, kids.

Age. ugh. When i started this blog i was 15 and always complaining about my age and what not. thats just what i do i guess. whyyyy??? because i dont feel like this dumb little number alotted to me has ever been appropriate.
My siblings have joked that ive always been, "13 going on 30." which means that my age tends to not really correlate with my actions. im different, people. why is that such as hard concept for everyone else in the world to grasp?

Question: how many 15 years olds do you know of that have owned and operated their own little photography and piano businesses and made BANK? or volunteered hours upon hours of time at local elementary schools? OR that knew what kind of loser boys to look out for cause she had already been emotionally and almost physically abused by one?
and tell me, public, do most 16 year olds work four jobs? do most of them have better relationships with their teachers than with their friends? do you know many that could stand DIRECTLY under the influence of eating disorders and depression and say, "im too good for that."
finally, how many 17 year olds sacrifice the few friends they do have and an amazing high school to go to college and get their life started early? (which believe it or not, is pretty frikin scary)Or have never done anything in their whole life that causes them to be emotionally and most importantly spiritually guilty?

(comic relief) so i have a proposition for the world:  For those of you slightly less experienced in divine wonders of climate in other states, there is this wonder called "real feel" temperature. Thats when it can be like 80 degrees but the wind or humidity causes it to really feel like its 90. (i have a point, stick with me.)

i think that we should enact "real feel" ages. this would be extremely beneficial in pretty much every aspect of human interaction ever. like if someone was 21 but their real feel age was 16, pretty sure people would think twice before selling that loser alcohol. who knows, this could save lives.
im guessing my real feel age would be 20.... anyways, no, im sure the general public would be opposed to this. im just saying, in my utopian society, we'd all have us some real feel ages.

basically? this all boils down to me being sick and tired of everyone judging me just because of the year i was born. i get it, people, i get that you experience things as you get older and that makes you more mature blah blah blah. k really? like what? having a real job? got it. getting your heart truly and completely broken and coming out of it stronger? ohhh been there. twice. so what? what is it that im just not quite good enough at that makes me less desireable than the 22 year old party girl college drop out?

i am a rubix cube of complexity, suckas. and i cannot stand being labeled and written off by a number.

k, thats it. im good for another year.

Its sad cause its true.

So bascially i get free soda at work, and i down that shiz like none other. Which puts me into a caffeine-induced haze and i dont actually get tired until ridiculous hours of the early morning. :(
but as i innocently did everything in the world besides sleep last night, i thought, "hey, jenna. its ok. just sleep in tomorrow! surely 4 nights of unhealthy amounts of insomnia will catch up with you, and your body will lead you into a glorious sleep-coma."

False!

HA. no such luck. i woke up at 6:30. apparently my brain had a lot of random and irrelevant things it needed to think about... on top of that, my sweet parents came in to say goodbye for the weekend and also to inform me that the power has been out all night so it'll be dark till the suns gets up. pretty normal news i guess. except my lack of sleep caused me to frantically lose all sense of rational thought. and i heard the following: " We're leaving you for a couple days... and you have no friends so you'll be home alone forever. have fun. also, the power is gone because the person thats lurking in the house has impeccable planning skills and he's probably going to kill you pretty soon after we leave. also, your birth was an accident. k bye."

For those of you who know me, know that I have a very complicated relationship with being home alone.
for a few hours? no problem. i love it. it gives me time to do weird jenna stuff like paint my nails and have wicked cool dance parties.
but 2 days? notsomuch.

especially because i have always been and will always be a giant pansy. and if my brain knows ill be alone for more than 5 hours, everything becomes a scene from a horror movie. and im constantly using my ficticious add-ons to create gruesome and gory possiblities for my inevitable demise.

                             normal humans see:

 

 

                                 jenna sees:

                           what normal humans do when theyre home alone:

what jenna does when shes home alone:

So bascially im over being here and doing nothing but pondering death and wanting sleep. i think ill be productive and run errands like a sexy-sophisticated grown-up. (see Blog from a year ago that i think is hilarious called: The day i decided to be a grown up)

toodles.